As the publisher of a popular Oklahoma-based blog, it’s always been my goal to interview (or eat biscuits    with) blogging superstar Ree Drummond. Ree, a.k.a The Pioneer Woman, is one of the world’s most successful bloggers and stay-at-home ranch moms. Unfortunately, getting in touch with her has become difficult, what with Ree writing cookbooks, hosting her own Food Network show and applying Photoshop filters to pictures of her adorable kids carving pumpkins.

Since Ree is so busy, I decided instead to chat with Pie Near Woman, created as, ahem, homage to Oklahoma’s favorite mommy-prairie blogger. Borne out of her experiences with the woman behind one of the most popular blogs in the United States, Pie Near Woman offers a “for mature audiences only” glimpse of what The Pioneer Woman’s evil twin might blog about.

Patrick Nelson: Do you come up with your own recipes or do you just steal the ones your mom made?
Pie Near Woman: Honey! Have you seen anyone else among the famous foodies wrapping a club cracker with a slice of bacon, sprinkling Kraft parmesan cheese on it and calling that a fancy hors d’oeuvre? I don’t think so! 

PN: Do you have a plastic bassett hound?
PNW: I have more bassett hounds than you can shake a stick at. In all kinds of material: Plastic. Ceramic. Enamel. Velour. Polyester. Velvet. The list goes on and on and on.

PN: Your husband sees ample time on your blog. Tell me about him.
PNW: My husband is walking sex on a stick. When God so violently chiseled my husband’s backside, he must have been channeling Michelangelo because his hind quarters are as close to perfection as mankind is capable of getting in this fallen world.

PN: Was your dad a “plastic” surgeon?
PNW: Yes, my daddy was a surgeon, but I have no idea what he surged. All I know is that I grew up on a golf course, vacationing at Hilton Head every summer and then I went to USC where I spent my college years going to fancy restaurants, staying in exclusive hotels and buying every outfit in the J.Crew catalog. It was a perfect childhood and it resulted in a perfect me. Next question?

PN: If they made a movie about you making a parody movie about The Pioneer Woman movie, who would play Reese Witherspoon?
PNW: A suitable doll could be easily found to play Reese because she already looks like a Barbie doll.  

Experience the hilarity of Pie Near Woman at

Patrick will also be sharing his most cherished recipes and alternate uses for butter at

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